“You can’t do this” and other lies from your inner voice.
Photo credit -gratisography Man in blue top with an anxious concerned expression on his face.
He was shaking his head sadly, his face sincere and full of concern. “Really, you can’t”
Was I about to attempt to swim across an ocean? Climb K2?
No. I was on a webinar being upsold some training. I didn’t buy it.
But those words stuck. Each time I came up against a wall or problem I heard them, imploring me to quit whilst I was ahead, full of empathy and concern about my imminent failure.
“You can’t do this."
What is a negative inner voice?
A simple comment from someone, when we are off guard or feeling vulnerable, can stick in our heads.
It goes round in circles, becoming distorted and out of context. It plays to our deepest insecurities about ourselves, it knows things we don’t tell anyone else.
This voice is toxic. It reminds us of past regrets and failures, and brings them into sharp focus, with all the negative emotion that came with them.
I was confident that I had this negative inner voice under control. After all, I’m a life coach. This is what I do for my clients all the time. But when I had my second ear operation and lost more of my hearing, the negative voice came back with a vengeance.
Constantly having to remind people ‘I can’t hear when you mumble/cover your face’ ‘I can’t hear on the phone’ repeated that mantra…I can’t……I can’t..
I can’t do this.
Limiting Beliefs
If it isn’t stopped, a toxic inner voice can eat away at your confidence and self esteem.
It becomes a new limiting self belief, an unstable foundation stone for everything you try to create.
Your self beliefs will prove themselves to be true. If you believe that you will fail, you'll talk yourself into failing - or never getting started..
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right." – Henry Ford.
To tell you to just ignore this inner voice isn’t fair, it’s too clever for that. It knows when you’re feeling low and vulnerable, and it knows that’s when you find it harder to ignore.
But you can take away it’s power.
How to challenge a negative inner voice.
Change your language.
Think about the language you use to describe your difficulties or ask for help.
How do you explain your hearing loss to others? Do you use negative or neutral words?
(This is why many people don’t like the term ‘hearing impaired’ as it feels more negative than ‘hearing loss’ or ‘deaf’)
Play around with words and notice the effect they have.
Instead of saying ‘I can’t hear you when you speak quietly’ try ‘can you speak up please?’
Instead of ‘I can’t hear you when you cover your face’ try ‘I lipread’.
Instead of ‘I can’t hear on the phone’ try ‘I prefer video calls/face to face’.
Put the emphasis on the other person to communicate clearly, not on what you can’t do.
Answer back.
It doesn’t expect that.
It’s more powerful in the silence of your mind. It won’t like being challenged.
Call it a liar. Tell it you’re not interested. Laugh at it.
Change the record.
Think about how the voice sounds. Is it a deep voice or high pitched? Does it speak slowly and softly or is it angry and harsh?
Play it back in your mind with a different tone and speed. How does it sound if you slow it down and make it even deeper?
How about if its higher and quicker, like its inhaled helium? Give it the voice of a cartoon character, or someone from the TV who makes you laugh.
Change the image.
A toxic inner voice can make bad memories can play in our heads like a mini movie.
It can make us relive every time it was proven right, when we couldn’t do it, when we were embarrassed or when we failed.
As well as the images, all our negative feelings about this time can come back too.
It might take some practise, but you can change the impact that remembering these situations has on your feelings.
The next time one of these movies starts, let it play out. When it’s finished, think of some music that’s cheerful, uplifting or comical.
Start the movie from the beginning with your music playing over the top. Anytime the movie plays, start the music too, and the negative feelings will start to lessen.
Create a new mantra.
Your brain is fantastic. Just as it can remember negative times and bring those memories and feelings back, it can bring positive feelings and memories back too.
Think back to a positive memory. A time when something went well and you were feeling proud of yourself and confident.
Let the memory play like a movie, what were you thinking and feeling? What could you see and hear?
What could you use to remind you of this? Is there a photo or a certificate that you could put on your desk?
Is there a client testimonial or a ‘thank you’ email that you can print off and put on your wall?
Positive mindset, positive inner voice
It’s not enough to challenge your own negative thinking. To really make a change, you need to fill that headspace with something better. Here’s some ideas to get you started.
Create a list of your accomplishments and put them on a noticeboard with photos or pictures that uplift you.
Make a list of activities that bring you joy, do one of them each day.
When someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it on the board.
Start a journal and make a list of things you’ve achieved each day.
Use mindfulness exercises like the breathing space below to ground yourself in the present moment
A short mindfulness practice
Lie still and notice what’s going on in your mind, not getting drawn into thoughts, just notice that they are there.
Bring your attention to your breathing. The full sensation of each breath in and each breath out.
Notice sensations in your body, feelings of warmth or coolness, and contact with whatever you are lying on.
Notice any sensations of comfort and move your attention closer to savour it more fully.
Whenever you are ready, move your focus back to your breathing.
Negative inner voices are usually focused on something that happened in the past, or worries about the future.
Mindfulness practices such as this help us to focus on the present, the here and now, making it harder for negative thoughts to pull us in.
If you would like to find out more, you can book a free call with me by clicking the button below